Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Drive Safe (NSFW)

I’ve always thought people are fucking stupid when they say, “drive safe”.  What the fuck does that imply?  Drive safe, as apposed to what?  The normal way I drive, wreck less as hell.  Do you think I’m intentionally swerving all over the road, running red lights, and driving in the wrong lane?  Maybe I could take a shortcut through a park, close my eyes, or maybe only use the emergency brake?  Anyway you get the point, it’s just a meaningless courtesy that I hate.
Well today while driving home I noticed something along that same line, the little caution sign stuck on the window that says “baby on board”.  Ok I get it, you’re proud of your achievement, you know not pulling out, not cumming on the tits, you must have the gift.  You have succeeded where so many fail, after all birth control is a wicked mistress.  What do you think this sign is really doing?  Do you think if I’m passing you thinking about fucking taking you out and that sign is gonna make me have second thoughts?  I waited in the parking lot at the Costco all morning waiting, followed you onto the freeway to run your shit off the road in a fiery mess, then I see the little sign letting me know you’ve reproduced and I’m suddenly “oh shit, these dudes are cool, hands at ten and two, maintain, keep cool, oh god precious goods in the vicinity, think safe.”
Look douche bag we are in Utah and chances are good that unless you are driving on a driver’s education coarse at least 85% of the drivers on the road have kids, maybe more.
I’m happy your proud but the only person who gives a second thought to those signs are bitter couples with reproductive problems, pedophiles, or foreigners who want to kidnap your ugly fucking chud and hold it for ransom.  But you usually see these stickers on minivans and wagons so they all understand you don’t have a shit load of money.    Just come to terms with the fact strangers on the road don't care if you have kids.  Unless your last name is Kardashian they are not going to waste thier time with peanut allergies and bunco.    Nope you are just subtlety trying to brag that your dick works and your wives snatch is capable of doing the old ping pong ball thing with a bowling ball.
I drive the way I drive; believe me I drive much better thinking about my own wellbeing over some dumb rug-rat I’ve never met.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Patent Trolls

Patent Trolls
So anyone who knows me has most likely heard me reference Adam Carolla, Joe Rogan or Bill Burr.  They are all comedians I like, but they also produce podcasts I listen to.  The list goes on and on; The Film Vault for movies, Dan Carlin for insane stories about history, Dave Dameshek for sports, like I said on and on.  Whatever you’re into there are a million podcasts dedicated to it.  Some good, most bad but nonetheless I think they are here to stay.
I mention Carolla and Rogan because they are reasonably well known, making them huge targets for people wanting cash.  Carolla’s podcast is very popular, like millions of downloads and is being sued by “Personal Audio”, a company who successfully got some money from many companies, most notably Apple.  They are patent trolls.
The basic idea of a patent troll is best described by quoting that Adam Sandler movie where the bumbling idiot gets the girl in the end.  No, not Billy Madison, not Happy Gilmore, not Big Daddy or Little Nicky.  I’m taking about The Water Boy, the scene where he turns to his mom and asks;
“Mom, what year did Ben Franklin invent electricity?”
“Ben Franklin didn't invent electricity, I did.” was his mother’s response.
That’s basically what they do; they register a patent with vague wording related to something and proceed to sue people for infringement.  In most cases their patents are registered after the product already exists.
I won’t go into all the details about their primary goal of getting companies just to settle and shut them up (Apple) or their empty office in Texas to use local judges seeming friendlier to their cause.   Judges in Texas must be a whole different breed, they love god, America, the death penalty and people taking credit for shit they had nothing to do with all for money.  To steal a Stanhope line “that’s retarded, full on high back gurgler retarded.”
Long story getting longer is that Carolla isn’t gonna pay them, he’s rallying the masses and telling them to fuck off.  He is putting together a crowd funded effort because court costs are high, and since everything is bigger in Texas they are astronomical.

While nothing official has been announced yet the minute it is (realistically the day) I will donate for a form of entertainment I love and more importantly put a stop to a bunch of assholes trying to get something for nothing, and I suggest you do the same.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Next up "The Days Half Gone"

“The Day’s Half Gone” Guy
            This is the polar opposite of “The Hungry, Hungry Hobo”, this ambitious go-getter is decked out in his gym outfit, under armor shirt, pants and shiny asics track shoes.  Usually accompanied with a blender bottle full of some mysterious concoction, most likely his health beverage full of a variety of super foods, supplements and essential vitamins.  It’s unknown whether he has been to the gym or is well prepared for his post class workout, the only thing everyone knows is this cat is concerned with his health and by semesters end he will be straight up swoll.
            Occasionally you’ll find a couple that fits this description.  I guess it really is a small world, these two people with so much in common found each other.  They both not only love exercise, weird smoothies, and tight spandex, they both relish in the idea of everyone knowing it.  Not to mention they both are ambitious enough to return to school for a degree that requires knowledge of art history.  I should also address the fact these “fit” couples are always returning to school, there are plenty of college age couples attending the same classes but those freaks will be discussed later.
            If you are going to the gym after class and are just trying to save some time I can understand, somewhat.  I mean there are gyms all over the place, and they all have lockers and changing rooms but what are you made of time?  You already had to get up early enough to gel-up the hair, find matching tights, and make your alfalfa, chia seed and acai berry smoothie.
            Conversely maybe you already got your workout in before class, In this case you’re blessing the entire Saturday morning class with your swampy, stench of narcissism and sweat.  Nothing like spending 2 + hours next to someone who smells like a roided up Hulk Hogan after having a steamy, vomit educing sexual encounter with Octo-mom and then rewarding himself with a garlic infused dandy lion green, stinging nettle shake with a shot of wheat grass and wood ear mushroom root for a libido boost.

            I just want to go to class, learn about the naked Greek woman with perky naturals and no arms without having to wonder just what kinda sick, twisted life you live.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Breakfast Club

     I have taken a once a week class on Saturday mornings at 8 A.M. almost every semester since I started at UVU.  Saturday classes are pretty long since you only have them once a week, usually 3 hours or so.  I've also noticed they also draw a certain type of student.  Not to say you can’t find them in every other class, but they are in every class I take on Saturday morning without fail.  I'd like to share some of my findings:

First I give you my favorite;
The Hungry, Hungry Hobo also known as the pack rat. 
This is almost exclusively a female between 21 and 34.  This lovely specimen can be easily identified if you look for a few common traits. 
     The first trait is apparel; Sweats, pajama pants, or maybe a long t-shirt with a ratty blanket, basically sleepwear.  They take Saturday morning classes to “better themselves” but they damn sure aren’t getting up too early.  They come to class looking like they just rolled out of bed, or more accurately off the couch, backseat, or out from under a pile of clothes. 
     They are also in always in possession of a random sack of goodies that can contain any number of the following; Rice Krispie squares, Trail Mix, individual wrapped mini-chocolate bars or snack cakes.  Some might choose raw nuts, cold cereal, raisins, bananas, yogurt or lunchables.  Beverages range from; Capri-sun, juice boxes, soda, coffee, or fountain drinks.  Sometimes they will through you a curve ball by bringing Mcdonalds, Starbucks or some gas station breakfast implying they were able to drag themselves out bed early enough to make a purchase or two,  but not quite early enough to change out of their jam jams.
     While I appreciate the need for breakfast most of the time it just looks like they grabbed some random things on the way out,  an apple and yogurt from the fridge, a ziplock bag full of peanuts, and a handful of little Billy’s Halloween candy. 

     When I look at these people I wonder just what the hell is going on in their heads, but part of me is jealous, how do they do it?  I don’t take great pride it how I dress or snack but the day you see me wearing a dirty bathrobe eating Capt’n Crunch out of a Ziplock bag in public, just kill me. 

Friday, January 3, 2014

Erybody is just copy'in old shit.

I’ll just come out and say it, I’ve never read or seen Harry Potter or Twilight, none of them.  Do you want to know why?  I don’t know the whole little boy magician thing along with the sparkling thousand-year-old vampire who still attends high school for some reason never really interested me.  Well that and the fact a 6’4” grown man with a shaved head and full beard wandering around the teen fiction section at the bookstore seems kind of weird.  I can see the interaction now;
Bookstore guy: “Hey can I help you?  Are you shopping for your child?”
Me: “Naw, I’m just looking for that book about the little kid with a magic stick.”
Then security gets called.
Nope if it’s not a comedy, documentary, or an eighties horror movie it’s probably not for me.  However this past Sunday I wandered into the front room and what was my wife watching?  None other than Harry Potter, I don’t know which one.  Didn’t you read the part about me not having seen any of them?
I glance at the clock and think to myself “Well kick-off is coming up soon maybe I’ll just sit down and watch the end of this.”
Well I sit down and watch knowing nothing about what is going on in the story.
There was a big snake slithering around while Harry Potter was fighting with the dude with no nose.  You know they guy from The Red Dragon but made to look like Rocky Dennis from The Mask (with Cher) but more aerodynamic.
Anyway I’m watching Harry and Aero-Rocky battle with their sticks, wands, whatever shooting out colored beams.  The beams were at a stalemate, neither gaining ground, both being stopped by the opposing beam.
That’s when it hit me.  This looks familiar.  This is the some lazy writing.  This has all been done before.  Think about it what movie introduced colored beams?  I don’t know, but I know that light-sabers were basically colored beams that stopped after a few feet.  Now these Harry Potter beams looked just like the stuff coming out of the Ghost Buster’s Proton Pack, just with light-saber like color.
Remember how they said never cross the streams it Ghost Busters?  Well what if you shoot right at each other?
Imagine this scene:  Venkman and Egon get into an argument about who Winston likes more, cause you know, he’s the cool black guy.
“Screw you Venkman, He called me “home-slice” this morning.” Shouts Egon
“Oh yeah, well me and him shared a bottle on henney yesterday.”
Egon points his weapon towards Venkman.
“Henne-see-ya-later” he says coolly pressing the fire button.
“What the …” Venkman replies.  Fumbling with his pack just in time to block the stream with his own.
Both men stand with weapons in hand shooting beams of light towards each other, neither beam strong enough to overpower the other.
Get it?  Now add George Lucas, different characters and beam color and you have Harry Potter’s showdown with flat face.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Ninja Turtles

By now everyone knows that they are making a new live action Ninja Turtles movie or at least anyone who cares.  
 I grew up in a not to distant past when the Ninja Turtles were a very big deal.  All the kids loved the cartoons, toys and don’t even get me started on the arcade games, to this day as an adult who could buy an arcade game I occasionally check online.  The marketing team must have been on PCP because they were everywhere from Pizza Hut freebies to junk food, that’s right ask anyone in their thirties if they remember turtle pies.
So you would think I’d be excited about the news of a re-boot.  Well you would be wrong. 
You would think “Hey Michael Bay is directing, that will be awesome right?” and you’d be wrong again.
You could say, “When something from your childhood is re-interpreted it will bring back good memories right?”   And strike three we can no longer talk.
First of all why reboot something, just come up with something new and original.  Or at least find something old you can make better.  Old TMNT was awesome, leave it alone old Captain Planet sucked, redo that thing.  There is nowhere to go but up, everyone hated that show whereas with they turtles I have nothing but great memories.
            *An interesting note, if you look up the movies from the early 90’s on Rotten Tomatoes they rank very low with critics and very high with the audience which means one thing; these movies are loved and entertaining and movie snobs don’t like them.*

Anyway number two Michael Bay directing, sure he’s a household name.
“Ohhh Michael Bay, this is gonna be good.”
No it ain’t, Michael Bay sucks.  He’s made 2 good movies; The Rock, and Transformers.
What has he done that’s bad?  Well lets think, all the shitty remakes I hate; Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday The 13th, The Amityville Horror, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre not once but twice, and of course the 2 shitty sequels to the 1st Transformers movie. 
He’s made a ton of other movies you don’t connect with and they are all shit.  Didn’t Megan Fox say negative thing about him resulting in her getting fired from Transformers?  Why the hell is she playing April O’neil, and why cause she’s pretty to look at?  You now what else is pretty easy on the eyes?  My childhood not covered in shit.  Which brings me to point number three.
Like I said before the turtles were a big deal when I was a kid, re-booting it and making a bad movie is like if John Lennon, Jim Morrison and Otis Redding came back to life and toured playing only Rebecca Black Covers.
I think between Michael Bay and Jayden Smith my entire childhood will be remade with a lot less substance, humor and style.  Those things will be replaced with product placement, stupidity and bad writing.