With the sudden and tragic cancellation of Duck Dynasty I will be pitching the following shows to A&E to fill the duck-entertainment void.
The first one is a typical comedic fish out of water story.
Howard the Duck part 2, Duck Stock
The incredibly vain Wall Street power broker Howard Von Eddlestien had it all, money, power, and the admiration of all the ladies. Everything was perfect except his hairline was headed north faster than a Mongol army under Genghis Kahn. (Yay, history is cool)
Howard simply could not be bald; he tried creams, gels, and supplements all having no results. One evening he came across an old shop he had never seen before and purchased an old ointment from a brittle, old china man who said it would solve all his problems.
Only when Howard awoke the next morning excited to see his revived hairline, it wasn’t the strong, defined forehead he remembered from only a few months ago he saw in the mirror, it was much worse.
Starring back at him was a 6’2 duck.
He splashed himself with water..
“Wake up, it’s only a dream.”
Only it wasn’t a dream,
and now his feathers were soaked, and he was gonna be late to work.
The second one is darker, a violent revenge thriller.
Mighty Ducks Annihilation, Quack Attack.
The heartwarming, Emilio Estevez driven sports film that reminded us all we can do anything, as well as inspiring an actual NHL franchise catapulted 5 child stars to instant fame and fortune, or so we thought.
The 5 original ducks are reunited at the 2015 San Diego Comic-Con, all-trying to make a little money riding the coat tails of a new big budget Christian Bale hockey film.
After a long day of signing hockey sticks, helmets and other memorabilia the 5 met at a local pub to catch up.
What started as a collective sharing of memories over a few drinks spiraled out of control and quickly devolved into 4 bitter old men and one women far past her prime who had been forgotten about by the machine that is Hollywood.
“Booger sugar and hookers, that’s were all my duck money went,” shouted Joshua Jackson who played Charlie in the movie. “I thought it would never end.”
“At least you got something out of it. I was all jacked over that Jurassic Park movie, I bought an island that turned out to be inhabited with gila-monsters that kill anything that goes there.” Quipped Danny Tamberelli who was Tommy in the movie.
“I got kidnapped.”
The whole table turned to the only woman Jane Plank, Tammy, Tommy’s sister in the film.
“Yea Emilio’s crazy ass brother trapped me in his basement, I just got out a couple weeks ago.” She said.
“They didn’t even bring me back for part 3” snarled Josh.
“Guys I’m serious.” Whimpered Jane “Who is Christian Bale? What year is it again?”
“I got a plan to get all our money back and a whole lot more” said a voice from the shadows.
The ducks all turned, shocked to see a pudgy Val Kilmer emerge from the darkness, chilidog in hand.
“Any of you nobody’s remember the flying V?” He asked, laying a briefcase on the table and laughed manically.