Monday, March 31, 2014

Nature is awesome

     Well my first week of IT has come to an end.  That’s right put a bow on it, put in in the books and throw it into that anals of history, naw-mean? 
     I love tech and what not but I’ve had a lot lately so yesterday seemed like a great day to get right with Mother Nature.  A Sunday afternoon hike up the canyon sounds perfect.  An afternoon among the wildlife and beautiful early spring in Utah could be very calming.  Sure everything is dead and it looks like rain but I can still try to find some solace.
     What if I stumble across something picturesque?  Something I want to remember or share perhaps.  Well I can take my sketchbook; I need to sketch for one of my classes so I better bring my backpack with some art supplies.
     I’ll have to get a little of the beaten path to see anything cool.  That could be dangerous if I run into any critters.  Not many people venture out on Sundays.  Who will hear me screaming if I get lost or worse yet, attacked by a mountain goat?  I better take my phone with me so I can make a call if I need to; it has GPS too so if the search party needs help finding my badger ravaged corpse they can access that.
     I might be gone a while as art takes time especially when you’re into details like I am.  I need to recreate every hair standing up on the snarling wolves back if I’m lucky enough to see one.  Maybe I should take my Ipod to listen to.  That way I can really focus on the stunning views I’m sure to encounter. 
     Who am I kidding I can’t draw for shit if I wanna capture a moment I better take a camera.  Sure my phone has one but that little thing can’t take really good pictures, better bring the SLR and all my lenses.  That way I can zoom way in and not have to get too close to the cave to see the fearless, hungry bears awakening from hibernation.
     I like to write maybe I should pack up this laptop and I can compose a new blog post.  Yep that’s what I’ll do; attempt to draw a passable landscape with pencils, use my phone’s GPS to put a tack in google maps of where I am, and snap some great shots that I will further process in Photoshop to make it look better.  I will do all this before attempting to craft a witty, compelling and meaningful blog to post from right here, on top of a hill side.
     However my phone doesn’t have the capability to be a mobile hotspot.  How am I supposed to blog from the mountains with this archaic 17 month old technology?   While my phone can’t be a hot spot my tablet can.  Not to mention I’ve been having battery issues with the laptop so I could use the word processor included on the tablet in a pinch.

     Nature is awesome; maybe I’ll even watch a nature show via Netflix.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Oral sex all up in your ears

Oration costume
I don’t think anyone would argue that public speaking is a talent.  It ranks just behind death on the “what people most fear list” every year.  I took a class on it and learned it’s all about preparation.  If you are prepared you will do well but some people are just better at it.  Whether they can just look natural or can improvise some answers they just are better.  In my class I shocked myself because I didn’t know how easy it was if you’re ready for it and I did much better than students much more outspoken than myself.
I’ll be the first to admit I come off as a bit shy, quiet and weird. (As overheard by others) 
I’d describe myself as private, reserved and observant.  I notice things nobody else does and I don’t speak unless spoken to for the most part.  I’m also entirely too analytic, cynical and pessimistic.  When you mix all those things with a healthy dose of empathy, and a touch of traumatic stress you get a very unique cocktail that is me.
Every single day I find myself in the same situation.
I will be involved in a conversation and either my mouth can’t keep up with my brain or vice versa.
I will be half way through one statement or thought but my brain is not only 3 sentences ahead it is pointing out mistakes coming out of my mouth, like some kind of psychotic proofreader.  I will admit I’m not the most socially gifted person.
However I will be an arrogant ass about something; I’m very quick witted and somewhat funny.  I have never met a person I can't make laugh.  The problem lies in the content, it tends to be dark.  My first impulse will come very quick but is usually very dark, and possibly over the line.  Usually funny as hell but only for a few of us.  For example how many of us have seen the movie Hannibal?  The sequel to The Silence of The Lambs.  That is a dark comedy with plenty of laughs.  Don't take my word for it, do some research.  You will find the movie where a guy is fed his own brain is a form of comedy. 
I’ve only recently discovered the release that is writing.  Well now I’m doing this as well as being over 20,000 words into two different possible books I’m writing.
In conclusion: 
If you wanna be a good public speaker: prepare, prepare and prepare

If you wanna vent about shit: open a new word doc and type away.  Cut and paste that shit into a blog and you feel better.  No body will ever read it but that's their loss right?  

Saturday, March 1, 2014

I fell in love in a parking lot.

There was a time in my life I got upset over people who park in handicapped spaces.  I would picture some poor old widow having to hobble across the parking lot just to get heart pills and diapers just do you could get your Natty Light 43 seconds faster.  Maybe some yuppie-scum businessman who got left out of the inheritance, so he hates old people and relishes watching them suffer. 
Now I’m just jealous I don’t have the stones they do, and I even admire their heroic act of parking wherever they want.  I even know most commercial lots are not really enforced.  Some places do have someone occasionally patrolling, but most of the time the business would have to make a call.  I still park in the normal spots.
The way I see it most of the time the spaces are occupied with vehicles with the special plates or window hanger thing.  The problem is those are about as hard to get AC DC lyrics.  That analogy isn't good enough for you high-brow types?  OK then it’s as easy to get a handicapped permit as it is to sign up for Facebook. 
You just go to your Doc, explain to him you've been facing some challenges ever since you stubbed your toe and viola.  You walk out with some mood stabilizers, Percocet and a new rear view window ornament, allowing you to park on Ronald McDonald’s front porch.
Now instead of the old widow getting a spot by the door, some KFC junky can park there and feel good about it. As the great Andy Andrist said “you shouldn't be able to eat your way into better parking.” 
Another thing just because you have the right to park in a special spot you don’t have to further prove it to me by parking like that.  If you can’t get in the lines I think you’re not “road worthy”.  It looks like you were pulling into the lot, got struck blind as someone chopped of your hands all while the acid was really kicking in.  You managed to get one tire in the spot, but the rest of the car is obstructing everything.
If you’re trying to convince me it’s too difficult to walk an extra 20 feet to get your Cheetos driving a truck you need a miniature ladder to climb into doesn't help your case.  For example I see a H2 all the time at Smith’s.  First of all it’s a hummer, a fairly big vehicle, but is also the vehicle for a health company.  That sends a hell of a mixed message.  Unless this guy is a super healthy athlete who blew out his knee and now makes other people healthy limping the whole time your tax write off company advertisement truck is confusing as hell.
So now you say “Sure the system is corrupt, but if we change it what makes you think people won’t figure out a new scam?  What’s the solution?”
Well I’ve got the solution.  Didn't see that one coming did you?  I've actually got lots of solutions so strap in.
1.      “The Czar”-We leave everything the same except I’m made “Parking Lot Czar”.  With this new job I will recruit some hard pipe hitting guys to work for me.  50 of them, 1 for each state.  We will drive around our assigned states looking for phonies; the big truck or whatever we fine you.  If we find you to be taking advantage of the parking regulations we strap you to a rocket and fire you into the ocean.
2.      “The Amazonian”-Simply put if you want an easier shopping experience you are automatically enrolled in Amazon Prime, and we mandate that Amazon carries food.  That way you order your shit and get it in a few days without even leaving your house.

3.      “The Final Solution”-We blow up and outlaw motor vehicles.  This means if you want to get something from the store find a way; walk, bike, skate, ride your dog, or just grow wings.