Saturday, March 1, 2014

I fell in love in a parking lot.

There was a time in my life I got upset over people who park in handicapped spaces.  I would picture some poor old widow having to hobble across the parking lot just to get heart pills and diapers just do you could get your Natty Light 43 seconds faster.  Maybe some yuppie-scum businessman who got left out of the inheritance, so he hates old people and relishes watching them suffer. 
Now I’m just jealous I don’t have the stones they do, and I even admire their heroic act of parking wherever they want.  I even know most commercial lots are not really enforced.  Some places do have someone occasionally patrolling, but most of the time the business would have to make a call.  I still park in the normal spots.
The way I see it most of the time the spaces are occupied with vehicles with the special plates or window hanger thing.  The problem is those are about as hard to get AC DC lyrics.  That analogy isn't good enough for you high-brow types?  OK then it’s as easy to get a handicapped permit as it is to sign up for Facebook. 
You just go to your Doc, explain to him you've been facing some challenges ever since you stubbed your toe and viola.  You walk out with some mood stabilizers, Percocet and a new rear view window ornament, allowing you to park on Ronald McDonald’s front porch.
Now instead of the old widow getting a spot by the door, some KFC junky can park there and feel good about it. As the great Andy Andrist said “you shouldn't be able to eat your way into better parking.” 
Another thing just because you have the right to park in a special spot you don’t have to further prove it to me by parking like that.  If you can’t get in the lines I think you’re not “road worthy”.  It looks like you were pulling into the lot, got struck blind as someone chopped of your hands all while the acid was really kicking in.  You managed to get one tire in the spot, but the rest of the car is obstructing everything.
If you’re trying to convince me it’s too difficult to walk an extra 20 feet to get your Cheetos driving a truck you need a miniature ladder to climb into doesn't help your case.  For example I see a H2 all the time at Smith’s.  First of all it’s a hummer, a fairly big vehicle, but is also the vehicle for a health company.  That sends a hell of a mixed message.  Unless this guy is a super healthy athlete who blew out his knee and now makes other people healthy limping the whole time your tax write off company advertisement truck is confusing as hell.
So now you say “Sure the system is corrupt, but if we change it what makes you think people won’t figure out a new scam?  What’s the solution?”
Well I’ve got the solution.  Didn't see that one coming did you?  I've actually got lots of solutions so strap in.
1.      “The Czar”-We leave everything the same except I’m made “Parking Lot Czar”.  With this new job I will recruit some hard pipe hitting guys to work for me.  50 of them, 1 for each state.  We will drive around our assigned states looking for phonies; the big truck or whatever we fine you.  If we find you to be taking advantage of the parking regulations we strap you to a rocket and fire you into the ocean.
2.      “The Amazonian”-Simply put if you want an easier shopping experience you are automatically enrolled in Amazon Prime, and we mandate that Amazon carries food.  That way you order your shit and get it in a few days without even leaving your house.

3.      “The Final Solution”-We blow up and outlaw motor vehicles.  This means if you want to get something from the store find a way; walk, bike, skate, ride your dog, or just grow wings.

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